can not be opened

I am not selfish. I am individualistic.

I often hear the advise “learn from your mistakes”. I agree that we gain wisdom from learning in our past experiences but if you keep on succumbing to the same mistake, are you not learning from your mistakes or its not a mistake that is why you are not learning?

John Donne was responsible for the phrase “no man is an island” which became popular in all realm may it be in literature, management, psychology to politics. I tried to disprove this notion but I have always failed. I may have achieved in the academics but I am not achiever in this field. Earlier this afternoon my classmate asked me to answer a questionnaire which sought to assess a person’s sense of privacy. After completing the questionaire I realized that I am indeed an introvert. A fact that I know for my self is true but most persons who “know” me would vehemently oppose. Sometimes I often ask myself if Im normal or not.
I am a person of contradiction. I want to sing but I don’t want anybody to hear my voice. I want to dance but I don’t want anybody to see my body move. I want to write but I don’t want anybody to read what I wrote. I have this fear. The fear to be alone. Its ironic right?, here I am trying to desolate myself but have the greatest fear to be left alone. That is the primary reason why I don’t want to be attached to a particular somebody because that somebody will surely leave. To be left alone is like crushing sands in your hands, no matter how hard you try you won’t be able to pulverize them, they just slip out of your hands, the same sand, the same form but you become desperate because you can not do anything about it.

I often hear the advise “use your mind over your heart”. What if it is happiness that your heart desires but the mind stops you to pursue it? I say if the mind knows that in the long run the decision will accrue you more benefit then follow it. But after some time when you have thought of your decision and contemplate on where is the advantage that should accrue to you, you realize that there is none. Would you regret and blame your mind or would you make a move to mend the mistakes done?
Michael Jackson popularized this song entitled “Don’t let go of my hand”. I won’t forget the statement of one of my friends telling me “don’t let go of my hand, unless I let go of your hand first”. Now I thought was it just because of the overwhelming emotion at that time those woeds were uttered or was it a reminder for me to realize that I have several predicaments to settle?

I am a person who wants to exude a positive aura but in the dark corner of my room I sit and lose all my streak. I advise people to face their problems, to settle disputes, and smoothen things with people they have conflict with but I ran away with my problems. I choose to keep silent, I choose to hide, I choose to put things in oblivion. I smile but deep inside I bleed. I want to express but I don’t want to be hurt. I easily give up on things, I easily give up on someone, I easily gave up on you. I’m sorry for being the most unfair person in the world. I was so coward to ask. What pains me more was the last time I saw you was when we passed each other, you were flashing that big smile, then there I was not even able to find a single word to utter.

I ask myself, is giving up on someone better than you being left? Was I wrong to do such? If i haven’t learned from the past experiences, was it a mistake or the right thing to do?